1. |
ghost
04:07
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feeling like a ghost in your life
unaware and unable to speak
left out and insignificant
don't know what i'm doing here
don't know what i'm doing here
don't know why i'm even here
tryna to fix something that's too
tryna to fix something that's too
tryna to fix something that's too
broken
feel like a ghost in my
feel like a ghost in my
feel like a ghost in my own life
tryna fix something that's too
tryna fix something that's too
tryna fix something that's too broken to mend
you say, you say, you say
i need to move on, move on, move on
well guess what, guess what
i'm moving on, I've moved on
i've learned to leave things alone
i can't fix all that's broke
i'm not your ghost, i'm not your ghost
i'm not your ghost anymore, anymore, anymore
i'm moving on, i'm moving on, i'm moving on
i've moved on
i'm moving on, i'm moving on, i'm moving on
i've moved on
i'm moving on, i'm moving on, i'm moving on
i've moved on
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2. |
yellow paint
02:58
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i made myself sick swallowing
yellow paint by the bucket
thought it was exciting
thought it might be impressive
yeah whatever,
i know i'm so dramatic
at least i made the effort
when you couldn't be bothered
i made myself sick swallowing
all the bullshit and the lies
you sold me every single day
a naive kid, i was so trusting
unsuspecting, firm believing
didn't even question
anything you tried to tell me
now i feel stupid half the time
that's why i doubt myself so much
when i think about what i fell for
feel like i must be losing touch
nothing that i ever did felt like
it could be enough
enough
enough
enough
enough
the me i used to be would read
"van gogh ate yellow paint
to get the happiness inside of him"
and i'd believe it, internalized it
think it sounded poetic, maybe a little romantic
but it was poison, a cry for help
cause it was poison, now i know better
cause it was poison, yeah it was poison
it was poison
just like you
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3. |
in sensitivity
03:03
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i’ve cried everyday this week
i’ve decided that sensitivity is my biggest
strength
happiness is hard for me
it’s something that i work at everyday
what happens next?
i can’t figure that out
my voice always gives when
i need it most
i always give up when i
can’t figure out the next part,
can’t figure it out
i can’t figure it out
when my thoughts cut out for minutes at a time
i almost wonder if that’s what meditation
feels like
but then again i know it’s not that
positive or
special
i just can’t ever seem to cope with my life
been practicing
mindfulness,
actively trying to live in present tense
but it’s still hard to
make sense of it when i
i’m not thinking straight,
no i'm not thinking straight
i’m not thinking straight
i’m not thinking straight
i'm not thinking straight
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4. |
aftermath
03:15
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i was so funny before i met you
now i'm a sad excuse
a shell of a person
i had so much potential
i could've been so much more
than this
it's like i lost a part of myself
it's like i don't even know myself
and when i look in the mirror
i don't recognize myself
it's like i lost a part of myself that i,
i can't get back, i can't get back
i feel like screaming, feel like i'm dying
it's like i can't even leave my room
my room, my room, my room
i wish i never
saw you in the first place
i wish i never laid eyes on you
on you, on you, on you, on you, on you, on you
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5. |
your bones
03:58
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|
i fell asleep in your arms
i never felt that safe before
and you told me you felt the same way,
but did you really?
i believed you anyway
i would've held you if you were shaking
i would've held you if your bones were aching
i would've comforted you,
i would've comforted you all the same,
but would you ever, would you ever do the same?
and if i got lost along the way
would you promise me that you would
never let me fade away?
well i guess that that would just be another empty promise
like every empty promise that you made,
but never intended to keep
you and i could've hid away together
loneliness wouldn't have ever had to find us
i just thought that you would always be there
but your heart was empty,
you gave me nothing at all
i would've held you if you were shaking
i would've held you if your bones were aching
i would've comforted you,
i would've comforted you all the same,
i would've held you when your fears
took over you my dear
i would've comforted you,
i would've comforted you,
but you would never
you would never
you would never
do the same
you would never do the same
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6. |
bedhead
04:22
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i wanna have it all, wanna be
i wanna be it all
act like,
act like a big shot but i've got
nothing to show
for it, for it, for it, for it
i wanna see it all, wanna see
i wanna see the world
but i'm stuck
stuck in my own head
can't get out of bed
can't get out of my own head
my own head, my own head, my own head
losing sight of what's been right in front of me
i can't see what's been right in front of me
i can't be what you're asking of me
i can't be anything, be anything, be anything, be anything
when did it get like this?
when did it end up like this?
when did i get like this?
when did i end up like this?
when did i, when did i, when did i end up like this?
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7. |
bad memory
03:02
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i get nervous every time
i leave my house think i forgot
something i can't even remember the last hour
and a half
everything is happening to me
i have no say in this
my inattentiveness
is getting the best of me
i don't know how this happened to me
feel like my life's falling away
bad memory, failing me
falling away from me, bad memory
it's failing me again
now i'm dissociating from
every bad interaction
i know it's not a way to cope
i'm losing hold of myself
i don't think i can stay
i don't feel, i don't feel, i don't feel...
okay
used to be so good at this
used to maybe stand a chance
used to play it cool, so well
now i'm a mess
i can't get out of this
feel like my life's falling away
bad memory, failing me
falling away from me, bad memory
it's failing me again
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8. |
timetaker
03:35
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if i could kill anything
it'd be the part of me that ruins everything
i wish that i could breathe a little easily
and get this weight of my chest
feel like it's killing me
i wish that i could be a little more happy
but i'm swallowed whole in my anxiety
if i could see a little clearly
there's gotta be more to me
but it doesn't come naturally
i've got badness all inside of me
i'm just trying to break free
from the things that are holding me back
i wish that i could love myself enough
for the both of us
you wouldn't ever have to give up
i wish that i could trust the feeling in my gut
but it's tough when nothing's looking up
oh overwhelmed and out of touch
i don't feel like i'm doing enough
it's all becoming too much
can't stop feeling like i'm never enough
oh god
out of touch
out of place
running out of time to waste
out of touch
out of place
running out of time to waste
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9. |
perpetual
02:38
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sometimes when i am going through the motions
of my day to day life
i get caught in a loop
stuck in a rut i can’t dig my way out of
it’s like i can’t
wake up
can’t wake up
i can’t wake up
caught in a perpetual
dream state of
i can’t wake up
i can’t wake up
brain fog
feel disconnected from my self and everyone else
it’s like i’m walking through my world
half asleep
stuck in a dream
it’s like i can’t
wake up
can’t wake up
i can’t wake up
caught in a perpetual
dream state of
i can’t wake up
i can’t wake up
i can’t wake up
i can’t wake up
i’m just killing time until it kills me
i’m just killing time until it, until it
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10. |
||||
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there’s a hole in the earth in the spot where you stood
when you left and i couldn’t figure out if you were ever coming back
it took me so long to realize that this wasn’t
temporary
there’s a hole in me permanently that grew bigger every day
until i could finally understand and accept that you weren’t coming back
that hole is still there
but i'm trying to make it smaller
i still feel so small and consumed by it
i don’t have much room to spare
some days i am merely a shell eaten away by all of my trauma
mourning is eternal
mourning is eternal
some days i am healed
some days it’s just as hard as the first
i still feel empty sometimes
i still feel empty a lot of the time
i think about what you might think of me now
would you like how i turned out?
would you be proud?
they always said i took after you
same eyes, same nose, prone to freckling and sunburns
i wonder if i’ll make it to 50 or take after you that way, too
i’m working on trying to feel something more than regret
guilt
constant
i’m working on trying to feel something more than regret
guilt
constant
it’s taken me years to write these words down and say them out loud like this
i’m trying not to be so scared to say them
i hope it will make your memory last maybe this too will burn eternal
i hope it will make your memory last maybe this too will burn eternal
i hope it will make your memory last maybe this too will burn eternal
maybe this too will burn eternal
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11. |
the pattern
04:41
|
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i've been going out almost every night
at least i'm trying
trying to get better
and t'm staying out later every time
tryna feel connected
tryna feel alive
i've been spending time with people that i like
trying to stay focused on trying to get by,
but i'm still spending time
overthinking things
all the progress that i make
just doesn't seem to take
i'm in a loop of my bad habits
i keep repeating all the patterns...
(i'm caught in a perpetual dream state of,
i would've held you if you were shaking,
i would've held you if your bones were aching,
i would've comforted you,
i would've comforted you,
i've cried everyday this week,
i've decided that sensitivity is my biggest strength,
bad memory,
i hope it will make your memory last,
maybe this too will burn eternal,
put of touch, out of place, running out of time to waste,
it's like i lost a part of myself that i,
i can't get back, i can't get back,
when did i get like this?
when did i end up like this?
i made myself sick swallowing yellow paint by the bucket,
feel like a ghost in your life)
i'm in a loop of my bad habits,
i keep repeating all the patterns
i'm in a loop of my bad habits,
i keep repeating all the patterns
i'm in a loop of my bad habits,
i keep repeating all the patterns
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puppy angst Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
it's like puppy love but a lil more sad 🐕 shoegazy/dreamy fuzz pop; kind of fun kind of a
bummer
alyssa + eric + john + dan + pauli💓
pfp by brooke marsh
page design by alyssa milman
inquiries: puppyangst@gmail.com
... more
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